seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
