onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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