Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
