my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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