I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
