you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
