I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
