I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
