I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
