my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Randomize
