Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
