did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
