my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
