My friends, they love my intelligence
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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