I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
We are two peas in an std pod
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
