I murdered the dance floor call the cops
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
