Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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