God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I have tasted many bathrooms
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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