i can't believe i had my finger in that
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
