it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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