I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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