Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
My liver just had a heart attack.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
