I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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