I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
