He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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