And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
