I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
