Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
