i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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