life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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