Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize