She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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