Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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