just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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