i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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