dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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