Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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