why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
