She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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