Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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