you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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