Well douche your snatch and let's go!
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize