Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
