Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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