Please, let me fuck your mom
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
