god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
