Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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