I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
