I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
