Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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