I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the day after is always just damage control
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
