I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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