Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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