I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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