Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Mom said you looked used
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
