Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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