There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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