Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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