Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
